Welcome to the simple life.

8:46am: green goblin syndrome
 So, bit of a green goblin today and keep thinking, so what did I do wrong?

I know exactly what I did wrong, chose the wrong bloody one that's what!
Mum said if I wanted romance I should change the man, and ha she is so right I don't think he'd know romance if it slapped him on his ass.

Not saying it's what I want but 3 bloody years later and people that have been together for like a few months have bought houses and people that have been together for a year less than us (stressful) are engaged and he just want's to have fun! Well if he wants that kind of fun then why be with me for this long? Everyone I know is like happy with their situation, whether single and fabulous or together and happy, bah I hate you all :P

So, it's ok I'll trundle on and as I was once told by an ex- "good thing come's to those who wait" I (lol Jade if you read this!) 'm still holding him to that. Do I pick um?! ha!!

On another note I have to act as just the girlfriend tonight whilst I get a ring paraded around my face, but then there is christmas where I'll no doubtedly get something like a ps3 because the present isn't actually for me,(ahem)- wonder if it could be melted down and made into some kind of accsesory?

Bah Humbug!
Hehe Happy Christmas :) x

8:33pm:

So this must be months since I updated!

Charlotte's going back to college woo! Starting the 10th I will only be part time employed which is going to be a nightmare money wise because I'm used to an alright wage ish- now I'll be going from 37 hours too 11. eeek I'll be skint!

Childcare screams for me, I want to be a teacher more than anything and so I've decided it has to be done. I can not wait to start, to not have to wake up in the morning and know what I'll be doing at what time of the day (and the holidays will help loads :) )

Pluuuuss thanks to the maintanence loan I will be able to keep my pap pap! It's all working out.

Just gota pass my interview tomomo now...

off to the pub (for dutch courage obv!)

x

7:07pm: ATMV
Arrgh!
I'm so excited, I've just found out who wins Americas next top model and I'm soooo happy :) 

(I'm sad, it's addictive.)

Last night was the best, we made barbeque and then sat out all night after turning the barbeque into a small bonfire. We burnt things, it was ace! hahaha. I love the smell of fire though, i think I would of made a good hippy.

Today is a good day, I can't explain, it just is.

Bye then. xx

8:31pm: Update.
According to this website thing, I am overweight. So starting from tommorow I am going to the gym. I am actually the laziest person ever, eat crap and now at this job find myself sitting on my arse for most of the day so it's time I did something about it!! Otherwise before I know it I'll be a right porker!

Last weekend I went to watch the long blondes, they wern't that bad actually. Everyone went mad over 'Once and never again' and most of the songs they sang I knew, I just didn't know it was them! I wasn't really bothered about going but I had a laugh. We were in the loo's when this girl burst threw, chucked up everywhere and when I asked her if everything was ok she just went "yeah, it's just the extascy, haha" I just went "right...". Yeah nothing to worry about there then! Went into town with Jade to pay off more of my holiday Sunday day and had just a lazy day mostly (shocker there!!)

I've just seen this course I'm going to take at West Notts, it's a teaching assistant NVQ, starting in April. It's a night class so I can still work and it lasts 72 weeks, once a week. Sounds good, costs about £580 but I need to do this, so I'm willing to pay the extra.

In good news because I reffered Elis to get a job, I'm going to be getting £700+ (not too shabby!) in two installments. Should pay for all the stuff I want to do in the summer!! 

Pluusss it's my birthday in about 3 weeks (yay!) Getting a Wii (excitment poo) and going to Notts that weekend (all who want to, get in!) I don't want to be 19 though, what a gay age. It's really- nothing age. 18 is more exciting! (Although didn't really live up to being thrilling, bar being able to get you're ID out in front of nasty bouncers.) I'm holding out for being 21, hope that's better!

TTFN xx

10:59pm: my bad day

My day started with me not wanting to get out of bed. I spose that's a good sign enough to stay in bed, I should of gone with my better instincts.

Anyway, got to work and was sat next to fuckin Sara, argh, another reason to run as fast as possible out the door. She's just so unhelpful and annoying, I want to jab her with my pen, or stamp her with my stamper haha.  There were 5 cashiers on today and out of the 5 only 2 were on all day... me being one of the two! Hello, I've been there a week, I don't know fully what I'm doing and the que was to the door all day. Sara was supposed to be on the till but because she's her and her = gay she decided she was too good to stay on and swanned off doing her own thing, leaving me and PK to deal with it all. At first it was ok, I tried my best to cope.

At dinner I went to my favourite shop and had a cob and the disgusting woman had a bleeding finger and I only noticed when there was blood all over the bag and she changed it and said "the cobs will be ok". Was she physic? Well, no she wasn't because there was blood on my actual cob, ARGH and so I was starving all day!! If that wasn't enough Kim had asked me to get her dinner saying she'd pay me later and she never did. I know thats not huge but it well annoyed me, she hardly knew me and I would never do that.

So got back on, suprise suprise Sara wasn't there and I had about 20grand too much on my till which I needed to move but couldn't because Sara is a lazy bitch. So if any raiders came to me then they'd be well lucky. If that wasnt bad enough Gail came to me and told me I couldn't have that much in my till, well, yeah thanks for that, you come and serve then maybe I can get rid of some.

At about quater past 5 when I was meant to finish at 5 I had to empty all the rapid pay deposits which took me too quater too 6 and then I had to pass money over (6 o clock) then I had to balance. And I didn't balance. So by half 6 when noone knew where the 100pound had gone that I'd lost, I had to wait for everything to be locked up and argh then had to drop Kim off to pick her kid up at nursery, which I did cause I can't say no.

Got home at 7.15, two hours after I should of finished.

Then I saw joe at about 10oclock and he told me he couldn't see me Thurs(our 2yr anniv.) cause he has to do overtime.

So basically I'm fucked off and I've had a bad day.

4:44pm: These holidays have mostly been split between my family/Joe's family and working and to be honest have gone far too quickly and far too flu-ey for me. I have not had the time to breathe really, never mind the nasal capacity to let air through!!
I finished at Topshop on Saturday and it was quite weird, I was so looking forward to leaving and now it's come to it it's strange because I'd been there over two years and just really started to feel comfortable with everyone including managers and begun to gain their respect. I am looking forward to having my weekends free and earning a steady wage though, although working for Natwest is deffinatly not what I want to do with my life, I feel a college night course is in order- and pronto. Get in there before I'm 19 and have to start paying hefty sums of money!
Santa was quite kind this year, I got sex and the city box set set (all I seem to watch at the moment) and some sexy Gstar jeans from ma n pa and Ipod video,singstar superstar and shit loads more off Joe, plus the usuals, clothes, pjs, choc, perfume off everyone else. Of course christmas will never be the same, just something else age ruins! 
New years was spent having a meal with my family and then going to Debdale with Joes to see the new year in. I'm sure it would of been good if I wasn't poorly but I spent some of the night coughing up phlegm (sp?) and having to sit off the dance floor with people trying to pull me up and me having to explain to them why I wasn't dancing myself stupid. Or drinking myself stupid! The only time I've got drunk this holiday was boxing day and I'd sobered up by the end of the night anyway, a weird habit I've got myself in to! At the end of new years we had to walk all the way from Debdale to Joes and for anyone that knows that journey, they will know it's a bloody long one!! It look an hour and a halfish and I was freezing and drowned at the end of it! Still, if you can't do that on new years when can you.
Next monday I'm off for a course in Birmingham for my new job, stopping in a sexy four star hotel which sounds lovely.
Ooof don't think I've updated since I've had a car actually. It's sexy, a 206 in a light green colour. mmm.

New year, new starts. Resolutions?? Get myself in to less arguments, don't let people walk all over and be less judgemental. Live life for all you can, something I've learnt recently after learning something heart breaking with a close friend. Who I love and I'm here for, but she knows that, my poorly princess! (Dr Charlotte is here, don't you fear.) 

Happy new year xx

12:00am: summary
Everyones been doing these things about their friends, but I'm going to sum it up in one big blob, along with the year itself, just to be different.

January
Hmm,I can't remember January very well, one thing that sticks out about it though is our drama exam about the miners which was actually an amazing piece. I can't believe that thats a year ago (almost), this year has gone by so fast it's sickening.
Feb
Started with me in London for mine n Joes year texture and it was amazing. I love London, I wana go back again hopefully Feb again, not sure if it will happen!! It was also Hannahs bday party which was amazing fun (again, whats with the year going by so fast?) We were all so excited to be turning 18, now anything over this seems daunting. I also passed my driving test (first time guys woop!) and was buzzing! Until I realised I couldn't afford a car- bummer..
March
It was my turn to be the big 18!! I had the most amazing 18th birthday party in the world, everyone made it one of the best days it could of been for me. I love dressing up, it's a shame we don't have more excuses to do it. I don't think I want to turn 19, it's one of those "nothing" ages where nothing specific changes. Except getting older. Who wants to do that??!
April
Jade and Emilja turned 18, the last of us lot to and there were just more excuses to be able to go to the pub. Again, more fab parties, cool nights out in town and life was just hunky dory.
May
May bought me and Jade the chance to be bossy and get our organise on, along with my other babes of corse, to have the prom!! Noone wanted to pay us £6.50 (jeezz) to go but we pulled a lot of strings and to be fair there was no denying that it was fantastic in the end. Girlies were able to wear their pretty dresses (and force boyfriends to dress smart for once in their lives!!) Emilja got fucking  wasted (LMAO! I will never forget "Someone with a massive coork!" To be fair it was the curls!)
June
Joes birthday, didn't really do much for that, he went to download. It was the start of all the footie though, but along with that came the massive fall out. I don't wana dwell on that, we all know what it's all about.(was that actually July though?Meh.)  I regret it but it happened and we can't change that!! It was also my A-Level exams. Hard as fook, I'm telling ya!!
July & August
These two months I'm putting together. I went on holiday with my family and Joe, we had a good time but I was glad to be home. Holidays usually bore me. I also got my exam results and made a rash decision on what to do with the results I got. I should of thought about it more but I'm still young, deciding what to do with my life is my problem. I stil don't know.
September
Was one of the hardest months ever. I went to uni and tried to get on with it, It was extra hard. I had a nagging feeling the course wasn't right, that it just all wasn't right for me. Deffinatly one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
October
Hardest decision I ever had to make, leaving uni. I don't think I've cried so much in my life. I deffinatly miss the life, the friends I made :( and everything else. I wonder what would of happened if I'd of stayed, but I made my choice and I stick by it. Maybe I'll go back next year? I sometimes really want to do social work. I might commute next time though. Everyone seems so made in their life. It really really gets to me. I hate this subject it always gets me down. The upside of this month was making up with lost friends. It was like nothing had ever happened and I love all my friends with all my heart.
November
Had the realisation of what work all the time was like. Got a proper job (I start Jan 8th!) and some light shone at the end of the tunnel. Went to a few more parties, got drunk (for a change), danced and genrally made a twat out of myself!!
December
Well so far so good! Here's to hoping that this month will be the best of the year. Yeah I'm working all the time, but there are loads of parties and the biggest pay package I've ever recieved to come.

I truely hope that 2007 will be better, bigger, brighter than 2006. I hope I make more friends of life and I hope I still have these special people in my life. I hope everything goes the way I wish, but I'm not naive enough to think it will. I know people have bigger shit than me. I regret so much this year, bit I know everything happens for a reason.

12:26am:

Basically.
I feel like shit. My stomaches playing up but it has done for so long now I kinda just become numb to it.

 I can't believe what has happened tonight, once again I'm treated like a door mat but I just can't be arsed to get upset. It's like I'm so used to being treat this way I'm getting used to it.

 Im fed up of work too. It's like cheers thanks I'm on front cover for an hour when there's no customers ANYWAY so it looks shit that theres more staff than customers! Cheers for letting me be bossed around my a girl my age but twice the size of me so she therefore thinks she's twice my age cause she's gay as! I can't wait to leave tbh. May hand my notice in 2mro but seen as I'll have to work over christmas anyway and I'll probably be bossed around even more cause they won't have to be nice to me cause I wont even be there for much longer. It's a joke! Bah to all those people who enjoy there jobs!
Baaah to those people who enjoy their life actually, I'm jealous. Mines crapppppp. 

I need more money.
I desperatly need a car.
I need a fairy godmother!

I think they should change this to like "moan journal" (yeah, I'm clever right) cause all I ever do is moan. It's like common fact that British people only write when they want to moan. Or boast. Something like that.

11:49pm: Argh!
I'm going to rename myself "doormat", seriously just want to burst I am so annoyed.

As if chucking me against a wall and spitting on me because of the intoxication of alcohol in your fucking blood stream isn't enough, leaving me in your bed alone isn't enough whilst you choke on your own spit because you're so disgustingly wasted wasn't bad enough, what the fuck are you doing!

I don't care about you going out, I don't care about a small gathering of your friends I honestly do not care. I do care when you take it to Notts and don't tell me, I do care when you say you have no money, I do care when you tell me you're not going to drink, seriously why lie? It will make it worse. I'm sorry that you're pathetic, ugly, fat, balding, greasy friends can't do anything with their life other than get drunk every night of the week and that it's obvious to anyone who knows what they're like they'll be telling you that "you can't let your Mrs stop you having a good time mate." Erm, yeah, this is why they're all 20-27 and alone and can't even get anyone!! The ones that do have girlfriends, have their girlfriends to match them, they're all ugly whores with their tits falling out their bustiers because thats the only way they can get the male species to look at them. Or will try to make you like them by saying their favourite band is Metallica/Slayer/IcedEarth. Who gives a shit!? I'm sorry I don't fall into this catagory.

 But you know what, you're right. Tommorow will come and you will buy me dinner and treat me nicely for a few hours until you're so knackered because you got wasted two nights in a row, you fall asleep. And this whole circle starts again. 

Anyway.

Went to Jades Jo's virgin vie party tonight and it was really cool :) I liked just sitting around being really relaxed and eating yummy chocolate muhaha. Plus I missed her so it was good to know she's still breathing! I wish I could afford more stuff from there it's just so expensive and my bank balance can not handle the strain! Not until I'm working properly anyway. It's so sad, I hate having to budget myself :(

I'm knackered, not at all suprised though. I'm off like.

Byexo

11:48pm: I've half got the job! woop! I say half cause I've still got one more interiew to go. I've already had two! Anyway, I'll be based in Sutton. So not far! 
I love him i love him i love him :) Thats all before I get told off, heh!
Good day, not done much good but I'm in a good mood. Party time tommorow night too!

12:52pm: Time for a quick update..

It has to be quick because I've got to go out and catch the bus soon to go to work. Being able to drive yet not having a car really does suck! Especially on days like this when it's wet outside and you just know the scum of Woodhouse will be catching the bus to town. Argh I really do hate some of them, I was listening to a bunch of girls last Friday on the bus and I'm not even joking, every 2 seconds they managed to squeeze the word "mate" into a sentence. It was quite comical!

Yesterday I had a job interview for the Natwest, I must of sent out a million CV's and that was my first proper interview, I was crapping myself but I think it went ok :) The woman was really nice and just got chatting to me about her son taking his driving test today and how she coincidently knew my dad. I'm not sure whether that will work in my favour or not :s When I got out I had a missed call from another company offering me some office work in Boughton! (sp??) Anyway, how on earth would I get there everyday? 

I really do hate working all these hours for Topshop. Don' get me wrong, it's a nice place to work and stuff and for a weekend job its good, but working all this time makes me see how repetative it is! I was so bored Monday at work I just considered walking out! On the plus side I'm looking forward to pay day, having this extra money really is good for me just before christmas, without it I would be screwed!

Don't think I've updated since we all made friends actually, I guess most people will know by now anyway, but yeah the clique are back together :)
Love you all!

Jade: Hope you're feeling better today, call me later!
Hannah: Let me know how Oli went on at the hospital yesterday :)
Emilja: Not even spoken to you in about 5 years, what are you even doing?!! I need updating!

10:31am:

Yesterday was a crap day. On Friday night, being home I slept in my old bed and even though its not as comfy, I didn't wake up with a headache so I was like, better. Then  collected my stuff back from uni Saturday night and put all my comfy bedding on my bed, only to wake up Sunday morning feeling like crap, a feeling which stayed with me all night. I woke up Monday morning with the most incredable pain I have even felt, like my head was being squeezed in a clamp and someone was stabbing my eyes. I couldn't open my eyes and I was hurting that much that at 6.30am my mum had to take me to A&E. Found out I had reccuring sinusitus and I have to have a hole drilled up my nose. Great.
Got back from A&E abit smacked off my tits and I went to work 10-5 which was as boring as hell. On my dinner break I bought nail polish and a hair mag, I'm having my hair done today. As well as trying to get myself a job. And all the rest of it.
But I chose it and I am ok with it all actually.
I want to go back to bed.
But I have to update my CV.
Boo.

xx

2:48pm: Here goes

Just seen a creature I'm not sure whether is a boy or a girl. Weird hair, weird face.

So yeah I've just been to sort out my life and decide what to do next.

From last Monday when I decided to pack it all in, i've been through many motions this last week. I've wanted to stay and wanted to leave and not been sure on which one was a stronger. There are like positives and negatives to both things. Anyway, over the past 4 days I decided I wanted to switch to Social Work and had a positive feeling about it all weekend. There are no fees with social work and theres a grant which every student gets worth £4000. I would get to work with mentally ill people and children in difficult positions and it really appealed to me. I rang the guy up this morning only to find there's "not a chance in hell" I could do it this year as they're already a month into the course and are over perscribed as it is. I got really annoyed and wanted to cry and must of read that stupid prospectus a million times! There's just nothing else! I want there to be because I actually want to stay now but not to do journalism. 

I wish I could go back to results day and ring up the leader of the social work course or someone else. I suppose everyone makes mistakes but this one is huge. No infact I wish I could go back to the beggining of my Alevels/end of GCSE's and slap the members of staff at that stupid school for not advising me or being there to help me decide what to do next. Back in year 10 when the connexions people used to come and visit and you'd all go on the computers, fill in a survey only to find out your dream job would be a "dustbin man", it was funny. Now, not so much. The prospect of becoming a dustbin man is coming everso more realistic and it's like, shit. Infact, I wish I'd of gone to a different school altogether. I had an African man teaching me English in year 7 (not being racist, he just couldn't speak English) and in year 8 I had no teacher at all. It's so stupid.

So yeah, the man at student services advised me to get some work experience in social work and then apply next year to do it. This way I can decide whether I deffinatly want to do the course and not have another "journalism mistake" as he called it. I asked him if he could think of any alternatives but he just told me I needed to be 100% sure of a course otherwise it's a waste. I guess he has a valid point.

Apart from my moments of madness, most of this experience has been quite good and it will be a shame. If you can think of a way I could stay, tell me!!



Emilja: Hey, look, I'm copying what you did!! haha, what happened last night? Were you shouted at to get off the phone? Call us later biatch, love you x

Jade: Post a comment on this so I can add you, I'm not sure whether you spell Alphaba with an A like that <--- or an E!! Get back from your seminar you moose. I love you x 

6:31pm: Life is really really really really crap.
I suppose it's noone's fault but my own. I just manage to piss people off. I'm so close to wanting to jack it all in I swear. I'm sorry for being so moany but I fucking hate life. And this isn't me. I used to love life and this here, isn't me. I just want my mother so bad.
I want to start all again.
I'm sorry, I really am.

12:31am: Tonight I went out with teh Jade und teh Emilja. I was in a bad mood, I had a headache and I just felt fed up. Emilja got trollied as per ;P and Joe Dan and Tom had to carry her home, literally!!! I've just spent half an hour putting her to bed, the other guys have gone back to Scream.
Home tommorow, work all weekend, (boo) and then back here to start all again. I'm tired and want a drink but some patronising girls are in the kitchen. When I got home, the front door was barracaded by bar stools and the coffee table. I just wanted to throw a stool at them, I like them but sometimes (when Im in this mood) theyre pricks. I've just heard one of them is going to "wank one off in the shower". These walls are too thin.
Why can't I just enjoy myself?!!! Argh!

12:25am:

For fucks sake.

Any attempt in my last post to not mention names because I didn't want the world to know about that certain event totally backfired. I use my journal as a place to write my feelings, not to mention unimportant fall outs.

I didn't mean to upset you EMILJA and if you let me explain why I didn't mention your name before you just jumped to conclusions, you would of understood.

But fuck it, I hate the internet. It's like the devil.

2:13pm: I am not happy. 

Everytime someone opens their mouth to say something slightly critical or to have a go at me, I start crying. It's like I'm slightly unstable or something. I don't know what it is thats wrong with me, it's really getting me down.
Life is like one minute ok and the next crap. I'm not sure about my course, too much to do with law&politics&other stuff that I'm not intrested in. I was never sure about uni in the begining. Like, I've never been one of those "I can't wait to go to uni" types.
I don't like drinking, I get tired easily and sometimes I feel like I'm not fitting in. 
Theres only one thing keeping me there at the moment and she knows who she is.(<3) Everyone I speak to tells me to stick it out, I'm not sure if I can. I love home too much and I want to cry everytime I think about it. I loved life before. People say it will get better, how do they know though? None of my parents went to uni and I hardly know anyone who goes/went and actually lived there. If people knew me as much as they claim too then they'd know I love being at home. I don't care if getting a job means you're a bum. It can be a good job? I have my A-Levels?
I always wanted to be a teacher and my ability to do crap in exams, daydream too much and just basically have a bad memory ruined that for me. I could of gone back but school has a bad vibe for me now. Stuff was ended on a bad note everywhere and going back was just not a possibility. When they say the best days of your life are the school days, they lie. I wouldn't go back to the begining for anything.
I have a headache. I'm thinking too much and I'm ill.
I want something different, I just know quiting will break hearts and loose me friendships. I can't do that to people. Yet I can't do this to myself. I can't keep pretending.
My cousins 18th birthday meal tonight and I just know family will be asking me how I'm going on. I'll count how many times people tell me it will get better and get back to you. I'll count how many times I say "I hope so" and get back to you. Then I'll count how many times I want to cry and get back to you.
Someone tell me what to do =(

I need a guardian angel or something.

10:29am:

I'm here! and I haved a bit of time to update, so here goes.

Lincoln is lovely. I havn't seen one chav, scrubber or rude boy/girl at all. It's full of old people, families and kids like us, who may not have the same tastes but are all open minded enough not to judge you. (bar one awful american girl, who thinks the universe evolves around her.)
I came Saturday about 4ish and unpacked and stuff by about 6. Joe left about 7 and this left me Jade and Emilja to get chinese. They deliver TO YOUR DOOR which i was so impressed by! Me and Jade were getting stressed because noone had moved into ours and they didn't until 12 yesterday.
Saturday night we met Emiljas flat mates Dan and Oli who were both cool, and then some of Joe Troughtons flat mates. One of which was that American bitch, under her breathe she was telling me and Jade to shut up and she kept moaning she wanted to leave. BITCH!!

Yesterday some more roomies moved in. Will who is 21.... Christian whos lovely and Jade who we hav't had much chance to speak to yet. We're hopefully expecting another boy. Although, they don't have long! Enrolment s today, ours is at 4.

I will keep you updated lovies.

b'bye xxx

8:41am: don'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannagodon'twannago

I don't know whats up with me but I've just sat here and got scared.

Saw my place, picked up my keys and its made me less excited.

The stupid woman at topshop yesterday gave me the job, but only if I'll work one shift in the week and one at the weekend. Which means coming home at weekends will be harder or a no go. =[
I need this job but I don't need that.
Don't know what to do.
It's made me not wanna go!

I havn't packed yet. I have no new clothes. 
I just want to cry.

MEEEHH......nbvyjzicn gbildug

9:31am:

Today I'm going to pick up my keys for my room and see it! I'm so excited, hope its not a mess. Apparently Sarah Bartle said it was a tip even though it's never been lived in before (dirty builders?!) I should hope not for the amount its costing!!

I also have an interview for Topshop Lincoln. I'm crapping myself, its like an interview for a job I already have which makes it worse. She'll expect me to know everything about everything and it's like 1) I have a crap memory and 2) I work 4 hours on a Sunday!! I have however been there 2 years now, scary, so I should be ok. Apparently there are 25 people wanting transfers so unless a miracal happens, I'm not going to get it!

Apart from that, I have little to say. I've bought everything I NEED now, just stuff I want left to get hehe, but I'll wait till next pay day for those, don't wana skint myself just yet!!

Move on Saturday, the times getting closer.
Shit.

xx

1:02pm:

Why do I always strive to be someone else??

After a recent conversation/ bawling match with my loved one I came to realise I'm just not happy with me. I look at people and judge myself next to them. She's prettier than me, cleverer than me, I can't do this, I can't do that blah blah... It became apparent when I went bowling about a week ago and realised how WANK I was without the bumpers. Petty as it sounds, I was so mad at myself and watched others doing it and I swear, I was so upset. I know I was stupid I told myself. 
I've always been like it, always compared myself to others. When I was younger I had some friends who were so much cleverer than me and whenever they did better, it got me down. Now I know we're all doing our own thing now but I can't get out of this annoying habbit. 
I realised one reason I do it is so I can try to be somebody everyone will like. Why I bother I just do not know. I know everyone has their flaws. It's just mine seem to bother me more than everyone elses do!! 

bah

Anyway.
What am I going to do with myself for the next 2 weeks? Everyone will be at school/work and I'm just guna be in, bored out my brains! I've set myself the task of making some cushions, I can't find any I like. This will entertain me for um, about an hour. I have little money so I can't go shopping and so it looks like Phil&Fern will become my best friends. I just want to go to Lincoln now. Not like I'd do much more there. It seems like I'm just waiting for everything to become finalised, a letter of confirmation from uni (STILL waiting!) until I get this I can't open my student account and finalise my home. Waiting for Lincoln Topshop to get back to me to see if I can have a transfer and if so how many hours I can have ( the more hours= more money to spend in advance haha!) Having my hair cut Thursday, gives me some entertainment for a couple of hours too :| . HOWEVER despite all this, I do not feel any amount of jealousy to those going back to school tommorow, I'm so glad to get out of that hell hole. The shit teachers (not all, but most) and the shit people (again not all.) The stench of the farm and the attitude of year 8's who think they have the right to disrespect their elders!!

I want a new style. I'm going to look different, be one of those people everyone looks at and thinks, wow, wish I had the guts to wear that.
Yeah. Watch this space.
I'm going to be this new, confident woman. After all, an eighteen year old is technically an adult. Time to act like one.

Bye then.

9:39am: just to stay...
Talk about what comes around goes around! ha!
Serves you right doesn't it?!


2 weeks 5 days baby!!

1:04pm: Will it be possible to miss Mansfield Woodhouse?

These holidays have been nice, sometimes eventful, sometimes a bit boring. Getting up when I want, mooching around in the morning and watching family fortunes at dinner with my mum and Luke. In a months time it will be back to scheduled appointments, lectures, stress and having to cope with being away from people I've spent almost all my eighteen an a half years with!

Got a bit stressed with Joe last night, discussing whether it will work. Thinking about it now, I think it will. I know he loves me as much as I do him, he'll come up and see me and we will get weekends together. It will just be hard not being able to see him when I want to. He's got a new job in Newark though, so he is actually closer to me in Lincoln than he is home. We've been together about a year and 7-8 months now and I I've known him for about five years. I couldn't live with out him and its so great because he is increadibly supportive of me going to uni. I couldn't ask for more.

 In a way I'm petrified, about simple things like making friends. Because of the problems I've had in the past year, I want mixed apartments, as girls can be increadibly bitchy. This is not a dig at anyone, I said no more arguments and although you havn't stuck to this, I will do. I'm moving on.

When I was younger I used to think I couldn't wait to move away from home and be all grown up, but I don't feel ready yet. I feel like a little girl stuck in a big girls body. How will I cope each day with out my mum to help me? She's been the one to sort out all my problems I've had with university! For certain if it wasn't for her and my dad, I wouldn't be going. I can talk to her about anything now I'm older, I really do love and appreciate every thing she does for me. We argue and make up all the time, like sisters! She lets me know when I'm an ass and I do to her. Before I start crying like a twat, ill talk about something else.

I still have everything to buy. We're supposed to be going shopping later for essentials and for this instead of scared I feel excited! I get to pick colour schemes (red black and white for bathroom, pink and girly for my bedroom) and I even bought a poto printer yesterday to print off digi cam pics for my wall. I have a lot of people I will miss and if I see you anytime soon and want to snap a pic, let me, I need to see all familiar faces around me!!

I'm off to shop now.
xxx

4:03pm: uni, here I come!
Quick update!
So Charlotte is going to Lincoln uni to study journalism! I'm extremely excited!! You may see me sometime soon on the tv.... or writing for the chad haha!
congrats to everyone who got in. loadsa people did ace I hear.
last night was wikid-cool too! hehe!

xxx

10:42am: Results tommorrow. I seriously can't breathe. I don't know whether I'm excited/apprehensive/scared or all of thoose things mixed together. Probably all. What will I do if I don't get in to uni? What am I going to do if I do get into uni? One day I want to and the next I don't. What day will it be tommorrow? What if my sheet says EEE or DDD. Even worse UUU!!!
I just want someone to tell me what to do and make my decisions for me. It's too huge! I can't live away and miss everyone and everything here. I'll be here at weekends but its not the same. I'm such a home bird! I'll be in bout 27grands worth of debt by the time I come out. It'll take me the rest of my life to pay it off. But then there's the experience. The chance of getting a better job. The "grown up" aspect of it all.
AHHHHH!

xxx